Enjoying Fulfillment in Sex After 60: Insights from Tracey Cox

Tracey Cox, a renowned expert in sex and relationships, has dedicated over three decades to writing, researching, and counseling in this field. Her groundbreaking book, Hot Sex: How to Do It, achieved remarkable success, selling over a million copies. In her latest work, Great Sex Starts at 50: How to Age-Proof Your Libido, she challenges the misconception that sexual satisfaction diminishes after 50. At 63, she asserts, “Sex remains just as fulfilling; it simply changes.”

Cox has been happily married to her second husband, Miles, for eight years. She reflects on her earlier relationships, stating, “I was engaged three times before my first marriage — I was quite inexperienced in my youth.” Speaking from her London home, she shares her perspective as a British-born expert who spent her formative years in Australia, where she worked as an assistant editor for Cosmopolitan. Her first marriage to a professional beach volleyball player ended after two years, leaving her with a greater appreciation for single life until she met Miles at age 51. They married largely to satisfy her 80-year-old mother’s wishes, despite her previous reservations about marriage. Fortunately, she now expresses, “I genuinely love being married to him.”

In terms of her own sexual experiences, Cox openly discusses navigating challenges such as decreased libido and physical changes during menopause. “I really have faced those challenges. Menopause was quite difficult for me, but thankfully I knew how to address it,” she explains.

Here are Cox’s strategies for maintaining an active and satisfying sex life in your 50s, 60s, and beyond.

Make Scheduled Sex Exciting

“In new relationships, your brain is flooded with hormones that spark spontaneous desire for sex,” Cox notes. However, she believes that once couples settle into long-term relationships, the chance for spontaneous intimacy wanes. To avoid stagnation, she encourages creating opportunities for sex by scheduling it. “If your plan is rigid, it may become mundane. Instead, consider taking turns suggesting something different each week, such as changing locations or introducing music to your experience. Anticipation can be just as thrilling as spontaneity,” she advises.

Step Out of the Comfort Zone

Cox believes that increased sexual activity leads to heightened desire. Research supports that engaging in sexual activity once a week optimizes happiness and well-being. “If time is tight, consider cutting back on social media, television, or household chores. Prioritize your intimate life instead,” she suggests. To reignite passion, couples should venture outside their comfort zone. “Experiencing life together can reignite excitement in your relationship.”

Prioritize Foreplay

Cox criticizes the unrealistic depiction of marriage and intimacy in media. She acknowledges, “After years together, the rapid pace of sexual encounters diminishes.” Couples will find that a more gradual buildup is necessary. For many women, sexual arousal takes longer, and discomfort may occur during intercourse. “Change is essential. My husband and I now focus on foreplay, with less emphasis on penetration, incorporating oral sex and other enjoyable forms of intimacy,” she notes. In fact, she believes that sex in later life can be more rewarding, challenging the idea that it’s a decline from earlier experiences.

Mind Your Language

Cox emphasizes being sensitive about language when discussing sexual health. Issues related to aging bodies often lead to misunderstandings between partners, potentially causing negativity. “Jokes about erectile dysfunction or size can harm self-esteem and induce anxiety. Language is significant; terms like ‘impotent’ should be avoided because they can exacerbate the situation,” she cautions. During her research for Great Sex Starts at 50, she learned that women’s challenges often centered on dryness and loss of desire, while men faced concerns with maintaining erections. Understanding these issues as part of aging can foster empathy.

Recognize Different Desires

Cox notes that many couples experience satisfaction without sex, but conflicts arise when desires differ. “A relationship may endure if there’s open communication about affection and touch. However, issues are likely to surface if one partner wishes for sex and the other does not,” she explains. If both partners want to revive intimacy after a significant break from sexual activity, she suggests initiating a dialogue. To avoid defensiveness, she advises approaching the topic gently and ensuring both partners express their feelings.

Maximize Excitement Throughout the Year

“In long-term relationships, sex can feel awkward amidst daily routines,” Cox admits. Scheduled intimacy can counter this effect, allowing couples to connect passionately, even if it’s not spontaneous. She suggests introducing elements of fantasy or role play to escape mundane patterns. “Often, vacations enhance sexual experiences because couples develop alternative personas, free from their everyday roles,” she adds.

Redefine Mood and Desire

Cox highlights the difference between spontaneous and responsive sexual desire, noting that many women may not recognize their own responsiveness due to societal definitions of low libido. She encourages communication and technique: partners should explore what feels good. Not engaging in sex? Cox recommends allowing a brief five-minute introduction to intimacy, as desire can stem not only from physical attraction but also from emotional closeness.

Embrace Your Fantasies

Although romantic sex can become repetitive over time, Cox encourages couples to speak up about their desires. “Women often hesitate to share their cravings, leading to dissatisfaction. Introducing new fantasies can keep intimacy stimulating,” she advises. She recounts an anecdote about a couple who, inspired by Fifty Shades of Grey, reignited their passion after years. Fantasy can provide excitement and expose partners to aspects of desire that might surprise both individuals, defying the ‘everyday couple’ label.

Cox advises embracing fantasies without guilt — stating that they enrich your intimate life. By channeling fantasies into shared experiences, couples can prevent feelings of monotony. Additionally, incorporating tools such as sex toys, whose effectiveness many have underestimated, can enhance sexual pleasure.

Commit to Personal Well-being

Cox emphasizes the importance of self-care, reminding couples that attraction can diminish if one partner neglects their appearance. “When you commit to being in a relationship, it’s crucial to also commit to looking and feeling your best. Body image should not obstruct intimacy,” she advises. It’s vital to cultivate self-acceptance and confidence, as sexual satisfaction often improves when individuals feel good about themselves.

Shift Focus from Orgasms

Finally, Cox advises against prioritizing orgasms as the end goal of intimacy. “When focus centers on climax, it detracts from enjoying the moment and the overall experience. As hormonal changes occur, sensitivity may decrease. Instead, recognize this as an opportunity to explore new levels of pleasure. If there’s less emphasis on the orgasm itself, it’s more likely to happen naturally,” she concludes.